Tag Archives: review

DOTA 2: Real Life Review

15 Dec

dota 2 emblemDOTA 2:

Released: 2013

Platform: PC, Mac, Linux

Real Life Review GirlfriendGirlfriend test:

(This tests how much freedom the game gives you to turn it off and go do the laundry. The test considers how much the game allows you to play for an indeterminable amount of time while your girlfriend does her make-up. It also rates how important sound is – will your girlfriend’s hairdryer or music be the matter of life and death for your character?)

DOTA 2, or Defense of the Ancients 2, performs terribly on the girlfriend test. The game requires your undivided attention for at least half an hour and possibly even an hour and a half and beyond. At the start of the game you can sometimes break into a half hearted conversation with your lady while you kills some creeps, but if you want to multitask while playing then nine times out of ten you will end up being killed (repeatedly). The gameplay is basically a long slog where every move you and your team make could make the difference between victory and defeat. Your team mates will not appreciate girl related AFK time.

On the plus side, there is a tutorial mode, which you can pause. Having said that, this mode can more or less instantly be discounted as this game is all about the multiplayer.  There is also the benefit of sound being more or less useless so you can let your girlfriend hair dry and listen to music to her pretty hearts’ content.

Score: 2/10

Girlfriend: “Can I check Facebook for a second?”

Me: “No!!!”

Concentrate, or you will be kicked out of your clan. Or pay attention to your girlfriend and give up on the game…

Real Life Review GirlfriendMate test:

(You are playing the game and your housemate walks in. Apart from Fifa they are pretty much uneducated in gaming. This test is a mix of the coolness rating, pick-up-and-play-ability, and most importantly: same console multiplayer. Anything that could be called ‘gayyyyy’ loses points in this test.)

You will have a hard time selling this game to your non-gaming mate, or even your hard-core gamer mate. People either don’t get this game or they love it.

The game looks cool from a distance with its pretty visuals, limitless killing and its ‘freeness’. Did I mention it’s free to download? The thing that puts people off is the learning curve. You can’t explain the fundamentals of the game to a friend without sounding like a huge nerd. If you give them a trial game a South Korean pro will probably wipe them all over the floor. As popular as this game is, most people don’t get it.

Score: 3/10

Mate: “That game looks cool, can I play?”

Me: “OK just do the tutorial first and…”

Mate: “Bye.”

Your non-gaming mate wont think it is a gay game, but they will think it is nerdy.

Real life review Parent TestParent test:

(Imagine you have parents that are easily offended – especially by sexual themes and swearing; and at random intervals they invade your room. ) disapproves

DOTA 2 will not offend your parents, but they really wont get it. Mainly because every time they walk in the room the game is likely to look pretty much exactly the same. They may quite rightly worry you are autistic and like doing one task over and over again. Watch out for rude dudes on microphones.

Score: 9/10

 Parent: “You are still playing that?”

Me: “Yes. It is completely different every time!”

Parent: “OK…” (Backs out the room quietly).

Pretty, repetitive fun.

Real life review inner rageThe Inner Rage Test:

(You have had a bad day and you want to feel a sense of achievement. This section talks about how frustrating them game is.)

Do not get emotionally involved in this game. If one person on your team is paying more attention to his girlfriend than to the game, your team is probably going to lose, and losing isn’t fun is it? No matter what your skill you can still be brought to ruin by terrible team mates, so remember to take a chill pill.

Score: 3/10

You are often sat wondering why your teammates are always at the wrong end of the map. Unless you find a team to play with often this will always be the case.

real life review overallOverall:

(I briefly rate games on a number of factors such as graphics, storyline, entertainment and longevity irrespective of the other tests.)

This really isn’t my sort of game but I can see why others would like it so I wont knock it. In terms of value for money it is perfect because it is free. There is a great deal of depth to the game as the multiplayer element makes most games unpredictable and if you have a competitive side to you, then you will be trying to learn new ways to get the upper hand.

Score: 8/10

Perfect value for money.

Saints Row the Third: Real Life Review

28 May

Saints Row the Third: Real Life Review

Platform: Microsoft Windows, Xbox 360, PS3

Released: 2011

Age certificate: 18+

the GFGirlfriend test

(This tests how much freedom the game gives you to turn it off and to go and do the laundry. The test considers how much the game allows you to play for an indeterminable amount of time while your girlfriend does her make-up. It also rates how important sound is – will your girlfriend’s hairdryer or music be the matter of life and death for your character?)

Saints Row the Third does well in the girlfriend test. If you think you have ten minutes free you can sit through some quick loading times and complete a couple of activities/minigames.

The game lets you save at any moment outside of a mission, which is very useful. I wasn’t able to save during missions but I didn’t see this as a problem as they were pretty short and not difficult, so I didn’t mind when I had to switch off and restart later on. I was annoyed that you couldn’t pause cut scenes, especially as I missed the cinematic end of act one due to a deliveryman.

The volume was not an important factor. Subtitles worked most of the time and if someone shot at you they were visible on the radar. The only girlfriend problem was the jealous matter of scantily clad women and the sexual scenes.

Score: 8/10

    Girlfriend:: “Are you ready to go out?”

    Me: “One sec… yep.”

Nearly perfect. I just wish you could pause cut scenes and save properly during missions.

mate emblemMate test

(You are playing the game and your housemate walks in. Apart from Fifa they are pretty much uneducated in gaming. This test is a mix of the coolness rating, pick-up-and-play-ability and most importantly: same console multiplayer. Anything that could be called ‘gayyyyy’ loses points in this test.)

 

An uneducated gamer’s first reaction to any Saint’s Row game will be “is that Grand Theft Auto?” Your reaction will be to sigh deeply and then try and explain how it is not Grand Theft Auto.

Saint’s Row the Third has online multiplayer capabilities, but not on the same console. To me this game would be great for playing split screen. You can get a feeling for this in the well-made online co-op mode.

If your mate comes in your room to hang out, they can either watch you play or you can take it in turn to go on rampages. If they are watching you play they will find it pretty entertaining; a tank rampage is good to watch, and the storyline is pretty funny, but the fact is that the game is just not hard enough to be that good to watch. If you decide to go on a rampage you find that enemies stop spawning for no apparent reason. Taking it in turns on minigames can be fun but as the owner you don’t want your friend completing all your activities.

The game passes most cool tests. The radio music is good, varied and not repetitive so you can play it in the background while your mates chill out. Mates always like violence and they will give appreciative nods as you run over a group of pedestrians. As mentioned in the parent test, the messed up scenes will make your friends see you as some sort of perverted freak.

Score: 4/10

    Mate: “That looks fun! Can I play?”

    Me: “No.”

The game looks cool but you can’t play with someone else, and you get bored watching each other play.

The Parent TestParent test

(Imagine you have parents that are easily offended – especially by sexual themes and swearing; and at random intervals they invade your room.)

Anyone who has ever played Saints Row will know that any game in the series will fail the parent test. The humour heavily focuses on crude, sexual innuendoes, with an emphasis on dominatrix. Expect to see hos, prostitutes, dildos, gimps, fully naked statues and a surprisingly dark sex trafficking storyline. Even though the majority of the gameplay is spent driving inoffensive cars and shooting members of the fairly inoffensively dressed gangs there are some scenes that are guaranteed to make you squirm at the thought of your parents walking in.

Many people would rather snap the game CD in half rather than let their parents see them playing several particular scenes. One part that really stood out was the Doors To Perversion scene. In this scene you are naked, you wield a giant dildo as weapon, all the NPC’s are in dominatrix gear, bedrooms you explore have pneumatic dildo machines that are equipped with rubber fists, there is porn on the television screens, torture gear and cages. To be honest, I did not find this scene funny-  it was actually really creepy.

If your parent walks in your room at any one point you can be guaranteed you will be doing a mission with Zimo the perverted pimp, and that your character will be naked, that your character will decide to shout ‘Fuck’ for no reason in particular and you will be waving around ‘The Penetrator’ just for the achievement.

Score: 4/10

    Parent: “What is this filth!?”

At an average moment the game is not offensive, but there are some seriously messed up moments.

inner rage emblemThe Inner Rage Test

(You have had a bad day and you want to feel a sense of achievement. This section talks about how frustrating them game is.)

    When played on normal mode, this game is incredibly easy, the difficulty should not be a problem for any seasoned gamer. Even without upgrades your character can eat a grenade and survive the explosive outcome. If you are finding it hard you can level up your character and make them invincible. 100% completion and all the achievements/trophies is a matter of patience rather than skill.

I found the mission: http://deckers.die to be incredibly annoying. It is supposed to be annoying, but it goes too far. Your character is playing in a computer game and if you die in the game you die in real life (cringe). The enemy boss is hacking you the entire time, which comes across in game as the inversion of controls, slowing down of your character and teleporting/glitching. This just pissed me off. They level was very long and if I had to turn off the console then I would have stopped playing the game. Zimo also pissed me off – I hate singing characters and auto tuning. Other than that the game was very pleasant to play and your inner conqueror is free to rape and pillage without much resistance.

Score: 8/10

    Me: “Bow before me, puny humans.”

I am able to ignore one annoying character and one very annoying mission for the sake of satisfying gameplay.

scale emblemOverall

(I rate games on a number of factors such as graphics, storyline, entertainment and longevity; the real life tests are considered but they do not necessarily affect the final result.)

Saints Row the Third is an addictive game. For me it is a filler between Grand Theft Auto installments. The graphics are an undetermined mix of cartoony and realistic, the storyline is funny and easy to follow and the characters are likable. Most importantly, the gameplay is excellent and it appealed to my inner conqueror. There are plenty of hours involved and you get your moneys worth long before you are bored. The missions, minigames and activities are all really fun and they feature the sort of things that most current games are lacking. I would instantly buy a spin off arcade game called Insurance Fraud or Tank Mayhem.

Score: 8/10

Even after doing badly in the mate and parent tests, as a whole Saints Row the Third is a great game and I think there should be more like it.