Tag Archives: Domestic violence

Super Smash Bros:

3 Jan

master hand super smash bros

Released: October 2014

Platform: 3DS, WiiU

Age Certificate: E

Real Life Review GirlfriendGirlfriend test:

(The test considers how much the game allows you to play for an indeterminable amount of time while your girlfriend does her make-up. The ability to regularly save and autosave and the ability to pause are brought into question. It also rates how important sound is – will your girlfriend’s hairdryer or music be the matter of life and death for your character?)

Super Smash Bros performs very well in the girlfriend test. The main reason for this is that most game modes last for a few minutes, and if you quit there are few consequences other than a few lost items. You can also pause the game in single player mode, which has the added bonus of viewing your characters mid “FALCON PUNCH”. Multiplayer battles are very short, so you can play a few of them if you have a few minutes spare.

Sound is also not necessary to play the game. Characters don’t say anything important other than a few “falcon kicks” here and there. The gameplay is very visual and you mainly rely on on screen prompts. You could probably play this while on the train, but you do have to concentrate when playing so you would look a bit weird.

Score: 9/10

Girlfriend: “Can you come off that thing and make me a coffee?”

Me: “Well being as the outcome of this one minute fight is ultimately irrelevant… Yes”

Gameplay is short and snappy and although you need near 100% concentration to play in harder modes, you can pause the game or turn it off without much regret.

Real Life Review GirlfriendMate test:

(You are playing the game and your housemate walks in. Apart from Fifa they are pretty much uneducated in gaming. This test is a mix of the coolness rating, pick-up-and-play-ability, and most importantly: same console multiplayer. Anything that could be called ‘gayyyyy’ loses points in this test.)

Let’s assume that your mate hasn’t walked in your room with their own 3DS. In my experience, you have to be organised to play together with a mate on a 3DS. If you hand over your 3DS to your mate for them to play for a bit, they will actually have a lot of fun. You can do pretty well in the game just by mashing buttons, although launching people can take a bit of skill. You don’t have to worry about your stats as no one ever checks these, and simply playing the game can unlock new content.

The game has quite a high coolness rating as your mate is more or less bound to recognise one of the plethora of characters. Don’t let them choose Sonic though… The main of the aim is to beat the crap out of everyone else, which usually goes down well with mates. The game suffers a little on coolness as it is so bright and cheerful, so it won’t stand up to the likes of Mortal Kombat.

If your mate does have their own 3DS you can play against each other. This will always make one of you angry. I always take fighting games personally.

Score: 8/10

Mate: “Did you just kill Mario with Bowser?”

Me: “Well, technically I launched him.”

Mate: “Is that good?

Me: “Apparently.

A game that’s easy to play and fun to master. Any mate will recognise at least one of the characters.

Real life review Parent TestParent test:

(Imagine you have parents that are easily offended – especially by sexual themes and swearing; and at random intervals they invade your room.)

Well, your 3DS screen is always easy to hide, but lets imagine your game is projected onto the living room TV. Let’s start with the easy points… there are barely and words spoken let alone swearing, there are no boobies (although the Samus suit is a bit tight), it’s an E rated game and all the characters are very happy.

They might get offended by all the violence, but the screen looks like a blur of colour from a distance so you don’t need to worry about that.  The main problem is probably going to be you swearing at Master Hand.

Score: 9/10

Parent: “Did you just make Mario smack Princess Peach?”

Me: “Umm…. Yes. Please don’t make me think about what I am doing.”

Parent: “Do it again. She deserves it for causing all that trouble.”

*Uncomfortable silence as you repeatedly smack Peach around*

Parent: “Excellent. Now throw Daisy off the cliff.”

Pretty colours and scenery obscures the repeated public displays of Mario based domestic violence.

Real life review inner rageThe Inner Rage Test:

(You have had a bad day and you want to feel a sense of achievement. This section talks about how frustrating them game is.)

This game is a decent outlet for rage, with many moderately satisfying trophies to collect. The problem arrives when you aim for 100% completion. In which case Master Hand on level 9 intensity becomes the bane of your life. The lack of story also makes most accomplishments seem futile.

Score: 7/10

The game frequently creates rage, but it is minor rage as matches are so short, and it also lets you get rid of some.

real life review overallOverall:

(I briefly rate games on a number of factors such as graphics, storyline, entertainment and longevity irrespective of the other tests.)

I am a bit biased with fighting games. I find it annoying that you pay the same for a fighting game as you pay for a game like Dragon Age. There is clearly much less effort put into fighting games, as levels are tiny and you don’t require much in the way of physics etc. Yes, there are many characters and bonus characters and trophies… but the game very quickly becomes old for me. I smacked everyone around and unlocked all characters in 8 hours, and thought… what was the point in that?

It was great for a fighting game though.

Score: 6/10

If I could go back in time I would never have bought this full price. Preowned yes, but not full price. You just simply don’t get enough gaming hours, unless you relentlessly pursue trophies. It’s an OK game for public transport, but not much fun at home.

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